I’m OK, are you OK?

Yes these are such simple words and they make a tremendous difference in the lives of those around us. But besides at the face of it asking if someone is OK, we’re talking about positions we place ourselves in life. We create our  happiness, sadness, troubles, joys, pleasures, pain, profits, losses, make-ups and breakups too. We need to understand, appreciate and analyze the quantum of the impact we have on the world: for better or worse; for others and for us. Once you know your own power you can use it a lot better. To the advantage of yourself and those who matter to you. You want to be in the 'good' position always, you just fail to know how to get there...

Transactions and positions

As Eric Berne put it, life is a series of interactions between human beings. These interactions include give and take and are better understood as transactions. Everything you do with someone is a transaction. And at the end of it we land ourselves in ‘life positions’. These positions are:

• I am OK you are OK
• I am OK you are not OK
• I am not OK you are OK
• I am not OK you are not OK

I have mentioned these in a specific order because this is the order usually people see themselves in with regard to positions. We try our best hopefully to be happy and keep everyone else contented too. Sometimes we end up hurting others (partners, parents, employees, or friends); at other times we are miffed by them; and yet others we see discontent within ourselves and everyone around.

So how do I get into the best position?

The best position that we should seek is I am OK you are OK. It’s not that difficult to be OK in today’s world. We all have a free will. We feel what our heart (actually our emotional brain) chooses to make us feel. We become what we choose to become.  We feel happy, sad, angry, upset, irritated, cozy, disgusted; as and when we feel like feeling. Yes someone crosses your lane while you’re driving and you do get upset even though it wasn’t planned or intended. But you can definitely control the situation the way you wish to. Likewise, we do unto others as we had always set out to too. You don’t usually end up hurting someone without knowing it (well yes in some cases is possible but it’s the will to hurt that makes all the difference). So let’s at least get to a point where we make up our minds to keep people OK and not rub them the wrong way to deliberately make them feel hurt.

Now is that easy?

Not at all. How do you let someone know ‘nicely’ that they are not good enough? How do you let people realize that they need to get better at what they are doing? How would you tell your children that they need to behave better? (Without making them not OK). 

Don’t push

When you push you are bound to get resistance. The harder you push the  greater will be the opposition. Sometimes you just don’t see the other person’s point of view. They’re pushing east because they are facing west and you the opposite. If they fail to see your direction, you need to take charge because you know; even if they don’t.

Listen

The listener is not the loser (contrary to the well believed myth).  Listening is a profound method of communication. When you listen to someone you give them a chance to realize that you care about their view (even if you disagree with them). You give them that respect and they respect you for it. 

Wear their shoes

Don’t just step into their shoes. Wear them. And understand why they feel the way they do. It may not be rational but its worthy of thought. Why your spouse is upset. Why your boss seems ‘extra bossy’ these days. Why your employee thinks you’re an awful leader. Why your children are back answering. Maybe there’s some real reason out there and you have no insight into it.

Show interest

Always stay interested in people who matter to you. Even those you consider your rivals, leave alone your partner or friends or colleagues. They deserve it. And by doing so, you let them know that they matter. Respect is a matter of mirroring. The more you look at the mirror, the more is reflected back right at you.

Augment positivity

There is too much negative force in the world today. The more you express positive intent to make things better, the better it will get. It’s alright to be the hostile king and rule the universe but we all love looking at mirrors. And if we do so, what we are is going to reflect back at us. We need to be OK and have everyone OK with us. That’s what really keeps us going after all. We all are nice people and we do feel better about ourselves when we do what’s right; for ourselves as well as others…