When your child was whining

When you were faced with a child, who was crying, whining, tantrumming, shrieking, screaming or yelling, didn't you do everything possible to get the behavior to stop? It's a very normal response if you did. These are the common methodologies applied, have you used any of them?

• Yelling
• Hitting
• Ignoring
• Time out
• Spanking
• Screaming
• Distraction
• Punishment

But have you considered what it might feel like to be your little child and try to deal with those strong emotions that you expressed to them? If you could step in their shoes just to experience that feeling. So you know what your response does to them and their behavior?

Have you ever been frustrated?

Work, marriage, friends, housing issues, taxes, weight, food, vacation; there’s nothing on the planet that doesn't stress us. Life is about change and all change is about adjustment; lack of which generates stress. So we all have been frustrated at some point in life (sometimes several times a day). And we try our best to deal with these stressors. They are trying and testing and sometimes get the better of us. Just like they do our kids. But as adults, we usually find some sources to vent the worries and feel lighter. If you didn't have anyone who you could talk to about all the things that bothered you during your day; no one to complain to about getting stuck in traffic, or waiting in a long line at the grocery store, no one you could talk to about how someone tortured you at work, or how frustrated you are with your kids' behavior; what would it be like for you?

Having someone to lean on

As adults, we usually have at least one or two people in our lives that we can complain to and share our frustrations and hurts with without having any qualms. It may be a spouse, a co-worker, sibling, a friend, doctor, counselor or a therapist. But kids, especially under the age of 10, don't usually have anyone who they can complain to and vent their frustrations to who will really listen to them and understand what exactly they are going through. Their pains really are as agonizing as ours. And they too need to express them.

Development: kids vs. adults

Children haven’t learnt logical and acceptable methods of expression of pain. They can only imbibe it from you. And most of what they see is yelling, screaming, bantering, howling and screeching back when you are disapproving of their actions. Sure, they could come to you as a friend (maybe they do), but over time, they'll tend to come to you less and less with their issues because they feel that you’re judging them. They feel you are ‘not OK’ with their emotions because you tend to put those emotions down. If your child is scared and you call him a sissy, it doesn't make him stronger. It confuses him and he doesn't know who he really is and how he should behave.

History doesn't repeat itself

No matter how you were treated when you were growing up, it doesn't have to be the same way with your children. They are different so do not compare. “I was afraid and I outgrew my fear. I was ill behaved and I ‘grew out’ of it.” No these statements don't hold good today. By extending kindness to your child when he or she's upset, you can heal your own need for kindness that wasn't met probably when you were growing up. Be nice. Follow the simple idea of respecting what your child feels and watch how it connects you more to your child and prevents random outbursts through the day.

Allowing expression

When your child is crying, upset, or angry; rather than trying to discipline them and get them to stop expressing themselves that way, try listening to them. Usually if you allow them to express what's really upsetting them; and really try and listen to them without judgment, the outburst will end sooner than if you tried to get them to stop.

Be the pillar

If you don't stand strong like a pillar, they wont know you can support them. They need a pillar to lean and gain encouragement from. This is not the same as feeding into the tantrum and it’s also not synonymous with ignoring your child when she's having a temper tantrum. Ignorance is leaving them to cry and scream by themselves. Feeding behavior is supporting them and agreeing and giving into their demands. Support is about being there with your child and listening to him or her. Letting them know you understand their pain completely.

Do something unexpected

Sit down on the floor with your child where she is, when she's emotional. Put your arm around her and lovingly make a guess about how she's feeling. Say it out aloud in a calm and composed voice. You don’t have to be screaming just because she is screaming. There ought to be SOME difference between your child and you right? You must be the adult. Ask her:

• “Are you feeling upset right now?”
• “Are you feeling sad, little angel?”
• “You’re not feeling good right now?”

It is definitely obvious that your child is upset, but by asking your child that, you give her a chance to learn about her feelings and give words to them. She feels awful but she doesn't know what she’s going through. Screaming doesn't help her but she doesn’t know what does. After you ask her if she's upset, angry, etc., then she can elaborate and start telling you what happened that was so upsetting to her. She will be polite now (just try it to know)

Don't judge your own child

Your job is to listen to her without judgment. Allow her to express herself just as you would want a friend to do for you if you were upset about something.  If she stops talking, ask her, "What else is bothering you?" "Is there anything else you want to say? I'm listening."  Your children will be better behaved if they can feel comfortable being themselves around you. You are their friend after all! They'll feel better about themselves if they see that even when they are angry, upset, or crying that you still love them and care about what's going on with them.

Be more realistic!

It's unrealistic to expect that your child will always be happy, well-behaved, and doing what you want them to do.  Instead, focus on helping them learn to deal with the ups and downs of life. Let them be stronger and more mature. Help them learn to feel okay with emotions by listening to and not making them feel wrong for being upset. Be non judgmental in interactions with your kids. You can be a loving presence in your child's life even when they're mad, whining, or crying. They’re your children, part of your being. You love them so dearly. Be calm and patient always. Keep your faith and it’ll get better!