Behavior modification for parents

It’s so normal for parents to consult therapists for their children’s behavior. You don't realize that your children wish that they could get some treatment for you at times. Just as you wish your kids would introspect and appreciate how much trouble you go through for them, likewise they too feel that you ought to look within and ask yourself how you really make your kids feel about your own behavior towards them. You blame them for making you the monster. You need to step back and ask yourself...

• Do you always say the right thing to them?
• Do you care enough about their emotions?
• Have you been demeaning or disrespectful?
• Is your behavior towards them appropriate?
• Are you that parent who is worthy of praise?
• Are you slipping somewhere along the way?

But I am struggling

That is so very true. You as a parent have got a whole lot of other things in your life to worry about. And in your defense you could say that you are doing the best you can, considering all the things you're juggling. And then you have to manage the house and work and your spouse and your job altogether. It sounds pretty tough. And it truly is pretty tough. Yet sometimes someone else needs to tell you that in spite of all that you are going through, your behavior towards your child is not justifiable.

Introspect

You don't buy it when your spouse screams at you for no fault of yours when he had a hard day at work. You are not convinced that the fellow driver who ran into your car ought to be pardoned because he was upset with his wife.  Your kids are not worthy of your ill behavior too. You have to change your behavior towards your children. It doesn't feel good even when a professional counselor tells you this. You don't want to do it because someone asked you to. You want to believe it so that you act on it.

Isn’t that what your kids feel too?

You just tell kids what to do, what they're doing wrong, and how they should change because that’s the way you want them to be. If you want your children to change some of their behavior issues, you need with all seriousness to change at least a few of yours. Start making your list now:

• Did I get upset when it wasn't her fault?
• Did I displace my work anger on him?
• Was I reasonable, the way I screamed?
• Did I react right or was it overreaction?
• He deserved the way I behaved, or not?
• Would he think his mom’s gone crazy?

Keep an honest track of your behavior. Awareness is the first step towards self-improvement. Become aware of what your child may be thinking of you. Try to be a better parent to impress your child and bring him on your side. You will now appreciate what you're expecting from your child to do and it may be hard for him too.

New beginnings

“I know I can do better with how I speak to you”

“I would like to try my best to improve on this”

“Can you tell me how to be a better mom or dad?”

“Can you help me to be a really good parent here?

You will be surprised to see the responses they offer. Children are usually very innocent and honest creatures. Ask any simple question so that you can hear what they're really thinking. And don't get defensive at their answers. Listen to what they have to say. Don't judge them when they share their ideas. Write them down on a piece of paper and then thank them for being honest with you.

Make an activity sheet for yourself

Once you have listed your child’s complaints against you (these are really not complaints; your child has opened new doors for self betterment for you). If she said to you that you could be a better parent buy not yelling at her so much when you are upset, you may write that out at the top of your list: (Put your child's name in the blank)

“Speak nicely with  ____________ every time you talk to her”

“Tell _________ in advance about getting ready for the party”

“Speak softly when you want ________ to shut the television”

Reward yourself

Think of some reward that your child will give you when you accomplish your tasks that you set out for. The thing you earn can be something that the two of you can do together like an outing or a picnic. Each time you feel like yelling at your child, if you choose instead to try and change your behavior and talk in a soft voice to him, you get a positive point for yourself.

Now you realize

Changing behavior is not easy. You may do so for a while till your child is monitoring your list and giving you a score for it. Later you may change or you may resist the change. As you're going through the process of using the list, you will realize how it feels to be trying to change behavior. How willing are you to engage in it; how easy is it to not get upset when she is misbehaving? Do you feel resistance; do you feel like letting go because screaming at your child seems more fulfilling at that time? Your child feels resistance too. Appreciate that and build on your own strength so your child also observes that you are changing for her. She will be inspired to change for you. You need to do this for yourself. To be a better parent; to engender better kids.