Teaching (or learning?) to apologize

Your children do things that upset you sometimes. Very often actually don't you think? And don’t these thoughts run through your head frequently?

• My child should obey me
• My child should respect me
• My child should be honest with me
• My child should be grateful for all I do
• My child should actually say sorry to me

Well there’s really a lot that we expect our kids to do. But is it always rightfully so? The ‘shoulds’ are all for the kids? Parents often miscue their child’s doings and likewise their own too. Parents are not impeccable. They can misunderstand too, they are frequently rude; they may act irrationally and even scold or spank their kids groundlessly. Is there not sufficient reason to offer an apology to kids then?

But I am the parent I am right!

Remember the other day when you had spanked your little one for some extremely irritating behavior, which was not stopping, irrespective of your screaming and all your patient and calm explanations? Things were out of control and you had just no option? So you let loose and went off the handle? And you are the parent of course so you thought it’s all right.

But then

Then suddenly the thought came over you to overwhelm you:

• That spanking was somewhat unwarranted!
• He was crying so hard he must be so upset with me!
• She didn't change her behavior even though I whacked her!

This was unquestionably not your proud parenting moment. You definitely felt that there was something wrong about it. And you utterly regretted it. What does this do to you next? Mistakes allow for positive change (they should). It leads you to introspect and do better the next time around.

Being different

There are always options and alternative actions possible. You could have done something differently in that situation. And you probably would agree that if you could do it all over again, you would not have lost your cool like that. Once you have crossed this first step of self-realization, you get inspired to be different. Here’s how.

Undoing the wrong

"I'm sorry I yelled at you about not doing your homework today. I felt angry when I saw you just playing around with your books and I wanted you to stop doing that, but I shouldn't have screamed at you about it. Can we start fresh with each other? I want to get along with you much better. I love you". Then after your child has had a chance to talk to you and let you know what he or she was doing, only THEN should you talk more in depth about the importance of studying and doing homework and math and English exercises on time and manage time better and all that. Your child needs to appreciate that you are correct and you want him or her to do the right thing because it IS the right thing to do, not because you are the boss who gives the orders that must be obeyed. Remember you gave birth to a child not a submissive slave.

Keeping focus

Children have limited memory of events (good as well as bad ones). They really don't hold grudges against you for things you said or did (likewise they forget about the times you were nice to them too!) but if it becomes a pattern, they start to recollect.

So you need to revive their memories when you are trying to correct your misdoing and replace them with specific positive ones. This helps to let your child know what behaviors were wrong and need correction next time around.

• “I'm sorry for screaming at you about your homework in front of everyone”
• “I'm sorry for shouting in the store when you insisted I buy the toy for you”
• “I’m sorry for getting so mad when you broke that crystal vase this morning”

You are not approving their naughty behavior; the apology is for YOUR bad behavior of screaming and shouting back. You need to get that precise message across.

Growing up

Find better adult like ways of showing your discontentment. Let your child know how you felt about their behavior and how it hurt you because you care. Let them know you also have feelings: it will make them emotionally mature human beings too.

• “I got angry when I saw you playing after I had asked you to brush your teeth.”
• “I felt upset when you climbed on top of that table though I had asked you not to”
• “I got worked up when you started bawling at the dinner table in front of everyone”

The hard part: admitting

You cannot apologize unless you really feel you were wrong. That’s like a forced arrogant statement you would make without feeling any remorse and your child would know at once that you aren’t being genuine. In fact it will endorse your child’s fake apologies for the future when you ask them to apologize to someone else for something.

• “I should have explained to you without calling you are a bad child”
• “But I should not have yelled at you about it that way, I was very rude”
• “I should not have spanked you even though I was angry, it was mean of me”

This makes it clear that even when we are angry, frustrated, or irritated it's not okay to yell at people. They will learn from you what is right and what is not. You’ll be surprised how they learn by the way they observe you, the things you do, and the words you speak.

Making a new beginning

Make a new start. Just like you would after you had an argument with your spouse or best friend or colleague. Make up the right way. Accept each other and move forward with a better understanding of each other.

• “Can we start over with each other? We should get along better”
• “You are my star and I love you very much, I want you to believe me”
• “I may dislike your behavior but I can and will never ever dislike you”

This makes it clear that you're interested in moving forward with positive relationship with each other. You'll be surprised at how willing kids are to not hold on to grudges against you!