When your child is lying to you

Fear: the driver

The main reason people lie (kids and adults included) is because they're afraid that if they tell the truth, something unpleasant will happen. Lying is a defense mechanism. It's an attempt to protect from perceived danger. People who lie tend to be scared in some way.  Your children maybe scared of you. They sense that autocratic authoritativeness and tremble. That must not make you proud. Parents often misconstrue fear for respect. Fear is enforced; respect is instinctive. 

The truth about lies

A well-known truth about lying is that we know it’s bad. And children know it too. The trade off for lying is always some sort of gain. And the gain seems to be higher than the loss that accompanies the true alternative. Usually in business as well as daily dealings of life we all choose profitable opportunities over defeating ones. The myopia (shortsightedness) allows children to focus on the immediate benefits of lying; while they completely overlook the long terms harms it has on their own character.

• No I didn't get any homework today (evading responsibility)
• I was not misbehaving at the party (avoiding punishment)
• I did not break that jar it just fell (escaping consequences)
• I did not hit him. He hit me first (keeping own self regard)

It has evidently become fixated in the child’s mind that in some cases the truth brings about bad consequences. And the lie avoids these

The past makes way for the future

Some bad behavior of the child may have lead you to give him time out or reprimanding or some form of punishment in the past. The incomplete homework or misbehavior at the party or the broken jar or hitting another child may have been the instigating event that may have coaxed you into getting upset with your child. The child was given the appropriate punishment. But he wasn't sure of the reasoning. He didn't know that it’s not the ‘naughty event’ but the ‘outcome of the naughty event’ that makes the child a bad boy if he continues to do so. In effect this child does not know WHY he has got the time out or the reprimanding or punishment. He just knows that if his mother doesn't know the truth, the negative outcome vanishes and so does the punishment. By doing so we ‘teach’ our kids to lie. We ‘feed’ into their lying behaviors. We in fact promote it.

Watch for these signs

When kids get caught in a lie they often:

• Look away and make little eye contact with you
• Cross their arms or switch gestures if they get nervous
• Get fidgety because of guilt and fear about their punishment.
• Repeat themselves several times so you’ll believe that they didn’t do it

When you've identified the lie, be cautious as well as compassionate. Even the chief justice of the supreme court shows compassion and offers punishment that is corrective. You need to do better than that. These are your own children

Be considerate

If you suspect that your child is lying, instead of jumping on him immediately and accusing him of lying, consider that he might be afraid to tell you the truth then. Have some kindness. People (including kids) are more willing to tell the truth when they're not afraid.  Children will not lie to you if they have full faith in you. So to support your child in telling the truth, show your child that she is safe and loved and respected. Listening without judgment is the greatest way to do this.

Magnify the truth

One would often assume that if you want your child not to do something, you have to make her feel bad about doing it. All children know that it is not good to lie. But by focusing on what you ‘don't’ want them to do; you're only drawing more attention to that behavior. Your child now has a combination of guilt and fear.  Children feel guilty but still repeat the behaviors for fear of punishment. So instead of making your child feel bad about times where she might be lying, reinforce; and acknowledge positively, all times that your child tells the truth. What if you were to stop punishing for lying and instead focused on praising your child when she told the truth? It would motivate them to speak the truth more.

• “Thank you for being honest about that.”
• “I'm glad that you told me that.”
• “I like knowing the truth. Thank you.”

Take your own advice

If children shouldn't lie to you, you also must be completely honest with them in everything that you say to them, even when you’re refusing something they want. When they ask you why they can't go play outside, instead of making up some arbitrary reason that isn't true, look for the real reason and share it with them. Involve them in your process of wanting to be honest with them. And if the honest answer is that you don't know, go ahead and tell them that you don’t know. Because it’s alright to not know! Your children also need to learn that. They need your honesty more than you realize it. By living what you want your children to do, you'll set an example and show them what's possible.  They will learn to be brave, for today as well as later; and face the world better. It gives perspective on how challenging it can be even for you, to accept the truth and stand by it; because it’s the right thing to do in the long run.