Get charged to take charge!

Sometimes it becomes hard in grouchy situations to really figure who was whining, the child or the parent. And then both sides feel they don't know who started it. It happens in adult-adult interactions too. You know it but sometimes you fail to see it. You lose control of yourself when you are not in charge. Alternatively you are never in charge when you are out of control. So its essential to charge yourself with the right plugins to keep you energized!

Clarity

Often, in confrontations (adults or children) there is loss of clarity. The root of communication deficits is a false prediction of faulty occurrences. Consider how often you may have had these:

• Miscommunication (You should live on the road you are so messy!)
• Misunderstanding (Mommy feels I am the source of all her troubles)
• Misinterpretation (Mommy doesn't love me because I’m very messy)
• Miscalculation (You are going to drop that juice and make a mess!)

Communication is the key. And how you express what you do, is a lot more important than just feeling it. Parents want kids to know they despise their bad behavior but more than often they convey that they despise their kids. Outcome? The behavior continues and the kids despise their parents; all because of the wrong pattern of communication.

Don't shy away: take charge

Again, this must not be misinterpreted. Taking charge doesn't bestow you the title and throne of Hitler. You need to appraise and reexamine your role as the authority figure. When your child knows you are in charge he feels secure and safe. It implies you are between your child and ‘any danger’ that can harm him in any way. This may mean protecting him from becoming rebellious, frustrated and disappointed too. You need to do what it takes to keep your children happy (without giving in to each of their demands). That is called being in charge.

Right intentions wrong techniques

We have control over so much around us. The light bulbs in our homes, the computers we give commands to, vehicles we operate to reach places, television channels we watch; in fact controlling these machines is so very easy. That’s what machines need; that's what machines were made for. It’s the purpose of their existence. But our children, they’re not machines. They’re as much flesh and blood as us and we need to understand and accept this. When we scream at them to improve their behavior, they don't get it. It's a faulty pattern you have chosen to use. The message you are sending across is this:

• I am your parent
• I am the ultimate boss
• I decide what you will do
• Because it has to be my way
• You have no powers over me
• You have to sightlessly follow me

Versus having a better way to communicate to them letting them know that when they do something wrong it may hurt someone else or cause them pain; or make themselves lazy or clumsy or sick and hence they should not be doing it. Then your message getting across is:

• I am your caregiver
• I am your ultimate guard
• We decide what’s good to do
• It has to be done the ‘right’ way
• Neither of us will win nor lose here
• You have to do what is right for you

Don't be a ringmaster else it will be always be a circus

You don’t want to control them like puppets so you can feel powerful right?  And you do not really believe that your child wants to control you either do you? Children want to control themselves really. You need to help them by letting them know by your tone of voice and your actions that you are a mature adult; and by being available as a safe and secure home base that they can leave and return to at will for comfort and reassurance. In this way, you help them develop their own inner controls. If you act like a ringmaster they will be like animals in the circus, always waiting for commands and resenting you silently, unable to express themselves; until one day they will break free and have no inner controls because you were controlling them all along.

Mistakes are teachers

Have you never made mistakes in your life? Think about these, did they ever happen?

• The first business move that went wrong?
• The dish in the kitchen (that got burnt)?
• The milk which boiled and spilled over?
• The first interview that went very bad?
• The first time you banged that new car?

Big mistakes, small mistakes, careless mistakes, silly mistakes? Mistakes that embarrassed you to such an extent that you vowed to not make them again? Not because someone else noticed them but because you wanted to be a better person and not make them ever again? Learn to give children chances to mess up too.

They want to learn from their ‘own’ mistakes

Children learn best from parent-supported failures. Not a failure you promote but failures that they request and you support:

• Your toddler insists on having juice in an open cup
• You let him try it, and he will spill it all over himself
• The cold juice on his body may actually startle him
• Next sip onwards he may agree to be less impulsive
• He will take your advice to now tip the cup "slowly"

Learning experience

Learning through experience is more fun than roller coaster rides or new toy cars. If parents build mutual trust and sensitivity during initial years, it becomes easy for children to respect them as authority figures while they grow. They want to learn from you. You can take charge and realize that you will get behaviors that you expect, and their actions will show that they want to please themselves by pleasing you. They don’t want to trouble you at all, you just need to know and believe it. It’s not about what you ‘do’ for ‘them’. Its all about what you make them ‘do’ for ‘themselves’.