There
are many ideas about how to raise children. Sometimes as parents you adopt the
ideas that your own parents may have used with you. You get advice from friends. You read books about
parenting. You suf the internet. You take classes on parenting. Yet you never have all the answers
because your kids raise all new questions everyday and well known theories of parenting fail. You feel that you create new theories each day in dealing with your little ones. However, research repeatedly emphasizes what
parenting practices are effective and are likely to lead to positive outcomes
for children.
Ideas
about child rearing can be grouped into three styles. These are different ways
of deciding who is responsible for what in a family. They include beliefs as
well as behaviors that you may adopt with your child. No one can tell you
whether you are right or wrong but there are specific parenting styles that
have been documented and known to influence behavior. These are categorized in
4 quadrants based on 2 dimensions. Control over your child and acceptance of
what your child does.
Autocratic parenting
Authoritarian
parents try to be in control and exert their power on the children. Their
control dimension is high and acceptance of what children want is low. These
parents set rules to try to keep order because order is extremely important. They
usually do this without expression of warmth and affection (they don’t know
that affection is essential!) They attempt to set very strict standards of
conduct and behavior for their kids; and are critical of children not meeting
those standards as expected. They tell children what to do, they try to make
them follow what THEY feel is right.
Autocracy: Because I say so!
Autocratic
parents usually do not provide children with choices so children don’t know any
other way but following blindly. Such parents don't explain why they want their
children to do things. If a child questions a rule or command, the parent might
answer, "Because I said so." Such parents tend to focus on bad behavior,
rather than positive behavior, and their children are scolded or punished, often
harshly, for not following the rules. Children with autocratic parents usually
do not learn to think for themselves or understand why the parent is requiring
certain behaviors.
Permissive parenting
Permissive
parents leave most of the controlling to their children. They have 100%
acceptance of what the child says with no control over them. These Parents make
few, if any, rules, and these rules are not consistent. They don't want to be
tied down to routines for their children (they either are too fed up or may not
have time)
Thee
parents want their children to feel free (maybe it eases responsibility off
them and makes ‘them’ free). They do not set clear boundaries or expectations
for children's behavior; and accept in a warm and loving way, however the child
behaves.
Permissiveness: You lead the way!
Permissive
parents give children as many choices as possible. They fail to realize that
their child is not capable of making good choices. They accept the child's behavior,
good or bad, and make no comment about whether it is beneficial or not. They
may feel helpless before their child’s misbehavior, but they choose not to get
involved (for some or the other reason). At times the permissiveness comes out
of frustration too. When parents are fed up and tired of misbehavior, they see
no choice other than giving into it. Either way, they choose the wrong leader
and are grudgingly forced to obey their child.
Democratic parenting
Democratic
parents help children learn to be responsible for themselves. They empower them
to think about the consequences of their behavior. They have an estimable
acceptance of their children’s demands along with an admirable control over
their behavior. Parents do this by providing clear, honest and reasonable expectations
to their children. They explain why they expect them to behave in a particular
way; and monitor their children's behavior to make sure that they follow rules.
This is usually in a warm and loving manner along with appropriate
assertiveness. They "try to catch their children being good" and
don’t just focus on the bad in them. They promote and accelerate positive behaviors
by reinforcing the good ones. This helps the kids to give up bad ones easily.
Democracy: Let’s do this together
These
parents know very well that children need attention and love from them. They
believe that if you don’t praise them, they long for you to criticize them. All
they need is SOME attention from you. Such parents appreciate the need and
offer positive attention to their children. They give choices based on the
child's ability. For a toddler, the choice may be "red shirt or striped
shirt?" For an older child, the choice might be "apple, orange or
banana?" Parents guide children's behavior by teaching, not punishing.
"You threw your ball at Aanya. That hurt her. We're putting your ball away
until you play with it safely."
Indifferent parenting: I dont care
Realistically
speaking these parents are as if not there at all for their kids. There is no
anger, no demands, no leniency, and no mutual involvement; there is practically
nothing. Kids are raised by grandparents or paid help; comparable to being orphans.
Such parents typically didn't need to give birth to children at all. They have
no control over them and no acceptance of their burdens either.
Change for the better…
Hitler
also couldn't last too long. How can you with your autocracy? If your little
angel leaves her toys on a staircase you could tell her not to do this because,
"Someone could trip on them and get hurt and the toy might be damaged."
She may also be taken to the corner and be slapped on scolded at because it was
really frustrating for you to clean the house 24 hours a day 7 days a week. You
could also just ignore her because you have just another 10o things to do. Or
be indifferent and absolutely unconcerned. But there is a difference in the 4
strategies. And you know which one is the right thing to do. As children
mature, parents must involve children in making rules and doing the household
chores: "Who will help mummy clean the kitchen today, and who will put
back all the toys into the toy cupboard in the children’s room?"
Which is your style?
Maybe
you get autocratic at times, maybe you’re too permissive on occasion; and at
other times you are somewhere in between. Think about what you want your
children to learn. Your children are still small. Their behavior seeds will get
sown NOW onwards. Research on children's development shows: the most positive
outcomes for children occur when parents use democratic styles in their
thinking’ as well as actions. Children with permissive parents tend to be
aggressive act out and tantrum more while children with overtly autocratic
parents tend to be compliant and submissive but they have very low self-esteem.
Indifferent parenting is as if these kids don't have parents. The democratic
style builds emotionally strong, intelligent and confident children. No parenting style will work unless
you build a deep and strong loving bond with your child. Now is a great time so
why don’t you start off today?
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