Studies have
shown that children whose mothers and fathers express anger towards their
children become kids who are difficult to discipline. You need to take responsibility
in your own hands. You are not getting angry and spanking your child because he
or she is bad. You are doing it because you do not know how to control
yourself. There are ways to change your child’s behaviour and they are simple
to understand if you choose to seek them. But the fact is that your anger is an
issue that' independent from their behaviour.
So we should never get angry with our kids?
Anger is not
therapeutic for you or your child. Your kids don't understand why you are
screaming at them. The cause to effect pattern is not well developed in their
heads. So first learn to identify the causes for your anger. Maybe you just
have a low threshold. And that's what your children will develop too if they
see this time and again. Maybe your parents were strict with you. Possibly
you’re having hard days at work. Probably there are other stresses leading to lack
of inner peace. Dissatisfaction with job, spouse, self, child can let you off
the handle. You mirror your emotions. If your child sees an angry face and
hears an angry voice, that's the person he is more likely to become.
Save that energy
A lot of
energy is spent on the emoting process, screaming, getting worked up; and
eventually, you agree that you were wrong and you may even end up over indulging
in your child. That’s not helping you or the child. This "hindsight" should
keep you humble and help you diffuse future flare-ups.
"Nobody's
perfect. We are all human."
After all this
is your child, not the neighbour’s; so you have to take responsibility to raise
him right.
Keep your perspective
We all have
our own anger buttons. Some of us are so anger prone that when we explode the whole
neighbourhood knows! Your threshold needs to be adjusted to the situational
demands. Just like you dress differently and aptly for varied occasions, so
also you need to modify your emotional reactions. You must understand this well
so you modulate your reactions appropriately.
Small and big evils
Divide your
children's "misbehaviours" into ‘small evilsand ‘big evils. ‘Small evils’ can
be small simple nuisances and annoyances like whining etc. These are not
worth the wear and tear of getting extremely angry about ‘Big evils are:
hurting themselves, others, or breaking things etc. Condition yourself
so that you don't let the ‘small evils bother you much. We can deal
with the ‘big evils’ with explanation.
Action…Play…Replay…in the head
"I'm
angry, but I can control myself."
"Everyone
makes mistakes."
"I'm upset
at the mess, not at my child."
"I'll
keep calm, and we'll all learn something."
Action…Play…Replay…to your child
"Oops! We
spilled all the milk on the floor”
"Maybe we
can have a cleaning the room game"
"Let’s
see who can clean the mess faster!"
"Oh I
love you but not the mess that you make!"
How this helps you
When a
real-life small evil occurs, you're conditioned to control yourself. You can take a
deep breath, walk away, keep cool, and then return to the scene. You're angry
yes; but it's helpful for your child to see displeasure; not anger. You calm down,
don’t yell. Then you both can talk it out at ease. Being in
control of your anger gives the message, "Mommy's rightfully angry! She doesn't
like what I did, but she likes me and thinks I won’t do this again."
- Mad at the child (what is he doing!)
- Mad at yourself (what a child I have!)
- Mad at the child for making you mad
- Mad at being mad (I am just losing it!)
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