Was this the right choice?
Easy to ask others but pretty hard to get the answer from your own self when your relationship seems to be 'under the weather'. We make choices in life all the time: about so many things. Homes, schools, colleges, jobs, clothes, shoes, a fridge, curtains or a sofa; or even a toothbrush! There are always options and we choose what we feel is the best. Needless to say, in material issues there is always scope for trial and error and we can change most decisions in our life without much of a cost (which is anyways usually financial). But the hitch comes in when we invest emotions, time and commitment; not in a commodity, but in a person...
What do you really want?
Most people choose partners once, in some cases more than once in their adult lives. It is important to understand what you really want from that relationship; that itself forms the sole key that opens numerous locks and barriers to your happiness and contentment from that particular connect, with that particular person.
Are you both really compatible?
The natural, scientific, physics perspective says that opposites attract; yes they do, but similarities also contribute tremendously to keep the couple together. Many flaws in one may complement the strengths of the other to make the dyad perfect, however basic compatibility norms must surely be considered before an emotional commitment. Likeness in areas such as income level, education, religion, ethnicity, values and interests minimizes the possibility for conflict between partners and maximizes harmony. Major differences in any of these areas have a tendency to spell difficulty in the long run.
What’s in your eyes?
It is important to make your standards human, and not material. Yes, a handsome hunk or a pretty damsel seems like a very desirable option for marriage; so does a millionaire who has a large bank balance and a string of cars. However there may be a number of concealed unpleasant and conceited qualities in beautiful damsels or handsome millionaires too. There’s always a 50% chance of success or failure. You have to make the best choice to be in a win-win situation. Ask yourself:
What is important to me in this particular relationship?
What matters about my partner; how she dresses, or how she comforts me when I’m unwell?
Is this the face I want to see when I wake up every morning?
Do I see my unborn children in her eyes?
Do I see us adjusting to each others’ needs?
Be an Accountant!
Do a cost benefit analysis. Chances are that you may not make a fair judgment and you may still end up dissatisfied with your partner; but keep the analysis going. If you’ve had bad luck once, try changing your approach and reorient your questions to yourself: ‘What do I really want?’ Do not give into the relationship because of the wrong reasons because eventually they make the relationship ‘wrong’. Identify the things that you like, that you dislike, that you feel ought to change, and areas where you feel you can change yourself. Life is about accommodation, assimilation and adaptation. Accommodation involves altering your vision; assimilation is about altering each others needs and demands, while adaptation is an overall merging of the personalities to complement each other to complete the circle of existence.
‘YOU’ Matter!
The most important person in your life is you so never forget to give yourself the due importance. Do not think that you ‘should’ or ‘must’ or ‘ought to’ say yes because people expect it of you. Do not give in to external pressures. Yes, adaptation is the key but before you have tied the knot, before you have offered your heart to someone, be sure they are going to nurture it and take care of it. Do not give in because you feel compelled to prevent anger or sadness or turmoil you may inflict on someone if you refused. Be honest to yourself, it’s the best gift you can give your partner. And worst of all, do not give in because you think you are not attractive enough and you won’t find anyone else. Say yes when you are convinced of it!
Be transparent & be a friend
Be very clear about what you as well as your partner want. The ancient Greeks made the distinction between Eros (Erotic Love) and Agape (Friendship Love). Don't confuse the two. Falling for someone, finding them attractive and wanting to be with them is nature's way of leading us to one another. Staying with someone, making it work over a long period of time, and co-operating requires friendship with your partner. So, many of the characteristics you would expect in a good friend are also the characteristics of a good partner. Look for them.
If you need help, TAKE IT!
You consult your physician for the smallest ailment, the lawyer for the tiniest issue; but this is about your life! Seek relationship advice from any which source you can: family, relatives, siblings, friends, or professionals. Do not be hasty. Take your time (not forever of course!) but be sure of yourself for yourself. Like I said you may still end up unhappy but give your best, try your hardest offer your most; at least you can tell yourself you gave it your best shot!
Easy to ask others but pretty hard to get the answer from your own self when your relationship seems to be 'under the weather'. We make choices in life all the time: about so many things. Homes, schools, colleges, jobs, clothes, shoes, a fridge, curtains or a sofa; or even a toothbrush! There are always options and we choose what we feel is the best. Needless to say, in material issues there is always scope for trial and error and we can change most decisions in our life without much of a cost (which is anyways usually financial). But the hitch comes in when we invest emotions, time and commitment; not in a commodity, but in a person...
What do you really want?
Most people choose partners once, in some cases more than once in their adult lives. It is important to understand what you really want from that relationship; that itself forms the sole key that opens numerous locks and barriers to your happiness and contentment from that particular connect, with that particular person.
Are you both really compatible?
The natural, scientific, physics perspective says that opposites attract; yes they do, but similarities also contribute tremendously to keep the couple together. Many flaws in one may complement the strengths of the other to make the dyad perfect, however basic compatibility norms must surely be considered before an emotional commitment. Likeness in areas such as income level, education, religion, ethnicity, values and interests minimizes the possibility for conflict between partners and maximizes harmony. Major differences in any of these areas have a tendency to spell difficulty in the long run.
What’s in your eyes?
It is important to make your standards human, and not material. Yes, a handsome hunk or a pretty damsel seems like a very desirable option for marriage; so does a millionaire who has a large bank balance and a string of cars. However there may be a number of concealed unpleasant and conceited qualities in beautiful damsels or handsome millionaires too. There’s always a 50% chance of success or failure. You have to make the best choice to be in a win-win situation. Ask yourself:
What is important to me in this particular relationship?
What matters about my partner; how she dresses, or how she comforts me when I’m unwell?
Is this the face I want to see when I wake up every morning?
Do I see my unborn children in her eyes?
Do I see us adjusting to each others’ needs?
Be an Accountant!
Do a cost benefit analysis. Chances are that you may not make a fair judgment and you may still end up dissatisfied with your partner; but keep the analysis going. If you’ve had bad luck once, try changing your approach and reorient your questions to yourself: ‘What do I really want?’ Do not give into the relationship because of the wrong reasons because eventually they make the relationship ‘wrong’. Identify the things that you like, that you dislike, that you feel ought to change, and areas where you feel you can change yourself. Life is about accommodation, assimilation and adaptation. Accommodation involves altering your vision; assimilation is about altering each others needs and demands, while adaptation is an overall merging of the personalities to complement each other to complete the circle of existence.
‘YOU’ Matter!
The most important person in your life is you so never forget to give yourself the due importance. Do not think that you ‘should’ or ‘must’ or ‘ought to’ say yes because people expect it of you. Do not give in to external pressures. Yes, adaptation is the key but before you have tied the knot, before you have offered your heart to someone, be sure they are going to nurture it and take care of it. Do not give in because you feel compelled to prevent anger or sadness or turmoil you may inflict on someone if you refused. Be honest to yourself, it’s the best gift you can give your partner. And worst of all, do not give in because you think you are not attractive enough and you won’t find anyone else. Say yes when you are convinced of it!
Be transparent & be a friend
Be very clear about what you as well as your partner want. The ancient Greeks made the distinction between Eros (Erotic Love) and Agape (Friendship Love). Don't confuse the two. Falling for someone, finding them attractive and wanting to be with them is nature's way of leading us to one another. Staying with someone, making it work over a long period of time, and co-operating requires friendship with your partner. So, many of the characteristics you would expect in a good friend are also the characteristics of a good partner. Look for them.
If you need help, TAKE IT!
You consult your physician for the smallest ailment, the lawyer for the tiniest issue; but this is about your life! Seek relationship advice from any which source you can: family, relatives, siblings, friends, or professionals. Do not be hasty. Take your time (not forever of course!) but be sure of yourself for yourself. Like I said you may still end up unhappy but give your best, try your hardest offer your most; at least you can tell yourself you gave it your best shot!
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