After you say 'I do'

The focus in marriage today largely is rightly shifting towards what happens ‘Before you say I do’ so that marriages become happily ever after concepts. Truly, no one enters a marriage thinking that it won’t last; no one dreams along knowing that the dream is only going to be shattered. Yet, divorce, a strong word, with religious, legal, emotional, familial and financial implications has become a frequent utterance and a reality for a growing number of couples today.

The ‘Right’ One

A frequent thought that passes all minds is:

‘Oh, he or she wasn’t just right for me. There’s someone out there who’s the one.’

There are always reasons to rationalize, circumstances to blame, people to hold responsible, viewpoints to judge and arguments to censure. Yet, divorce has never been easy. The scarring is too deep, the pain too cavernous and implications too far fetched.

When you have no choice, you really have no choice

Needless to say, when divorce is unavoidable; it is the only viable option. What cannot be salvaged is better saved with any amount of amputation. However, the connotations are diverse. Legally, divorce demands a formal separation, which nullifies the marriage and makes the person’s status ‘single’ again. Emotionally, divorce entails a break in the attachment between the couple that was so connected once before. A financial divorce comprises of pre or post-nuptial agreements and alimony.  The social divorce breaks the bond between friends and family, which was a single unit while the couple, was together. Finally, the familial divorce leads to a break in the family structure wherein siblings may be separated depending upon who gets the custody; in either case the child loses a parent or a sibling.

Who gets affected?

Children are always claimed to be most deeply affected by the parental split. At the same time, being in a situation wherein the atmosphere is forever tense and there are repeated conflicts in the household is also not justifiable. The quality of the relationship before separation, the intensity of the conflict and the parents’ focus on the child’s needs all play a role. Children may have academic and social maladjustments, scholastic problems, depression, phobias, anger, aggression and sometimes even be driven to suicide. Sometimes the introduction of a stepparent makes the condition worse. The scenario needs to be handled delicately to ensure the best interests of the children.

Why does it really happen?

In western countries, over 16 reasons have been accepted for which divorce can be granted. India, however describes 5 principal grounds:

Adultery

Desertion

Cruelty

Impotency

Chronic disease

Different religions in our country also have their specific laws pertaining to divorce. However, the legal component exists to pacify the societal needs and expectations. The dynamics between the couple have deeper implications than a legal document such as marriage or divorce certificate, hence legalities do not explain the trauma that leads to or emerges after a divorce. There are obviously innumerable reasons as to why a couple may want to split. Lack of adequate communication, miscommunication, misunderstandings, over expectation, infidelity, financial problems, sexual problems, and emotional incompatibility form a few to name some. Marriages are not ‘REALLY’ made in heaven so divinity in a spouse is not a ‘REALITY’. Dreams are useful if steps are taken to transform them to reality. Merely dreaming does not help. It is important to introspect and understand the reasons as to why the marriage vows suddenly seem irrelevant, why escapism overrules a problem-solving attitude and why a break-up is the 'ONLY' option.

Self-preservation

All human beings are selfish and self-preserving. And everyone has expectations. When these are not met one feels let down, sad, dissatisfied and occasionally cheated. However, most things in life require sacrifice and compromise. It’s always better to bend a little than to break. Relationships require trust and faith to ensure endurance and strength. A loss of trust and respect is the guaranteed reason for the downslide in any relationship.  Couples sometimes wonder what went wrong between them and their partner and fail to get an answer. Sometimes couples have known their partners for several years prior to marriage; but have decided to split within a year of tying the nuptial knot; realizing that they never really ‘knew’ them!

Take charge of your life!

No problem is difficult enough to solve as long as the drive to solve it is alive. Couples need to act responsibly, keep the spark alive (not the fireworks!), focus on the positives, minimize and shrink the negatives; and above all, introspect; to realize their limitations as individuals and overcome them. If a split is inevitable, it should be smooth, with everyone’s best interests in mind. After all:

You only live once, try and make it fruitful this time around…