Kids: When your parents argue

Arguments are an expression of your own viewpoint. Everyone likes to have their voice heard. Including you right? Haven’t you argued with your friends over where to go for lunch? Or what movie to watch today? Or which subject to study together? So much so, you must be arguing with your parents too on what you should wear to a party or how much pocket money you should be getting, or how much time you should spare for your studies, your curfew time etc…

Chances are you have been in arguments on a regular basis (like many of us) on some or the other issue. But what's going on when your parents fight with each other? Most people worry when they hear their parents argue. You might worry about so many things: why are they shouting at each other? Does this mean they don't love each other? Are they going to get a separated or get a divorce?

Do not misunderstand!

Most of the time, arguments are just a way to let off steam when someone may have had a bad day, don't feel well, or are under a lot of stress (these are the same reasons you argue with someone right?) Sometimes parents stay calm and collected when they disagree with each other, and they allow each other a chance to listen and to talk. But many times when parents disagree, they argue. When people are upset they say things they do not really mean. So don’t think that the world s coming to an end when they are fighting.

When is it ‘ok’ and when not?

Most arguments are a part of daily existence and you must not let them worry you too deeply. You must realize after a period of time that this is probably a way that your parents are adopting to express their ‘love’ for each other (relationships can be queer at times!) But there are times when you  yourself can see the gravity of the situation and you must keep a watch for these and heres where you would actually need to worry. At this point you may need to talk to your parents and request them to get their anger under control.

When it’s ok:

Screaming

Yelling

Calling names

Crying

When its not ok

Threatens to injure

Threatens suicide

Threatens to leave

Breaks things around

What about you? How would you be feeling?

It must be so hard for you to hear your parents screaming at each other. Seeing them upset and out of control can make you very vulnerable. Yes it’s true that parents are supposed to be the ones setting examples for their children. They are the mature ones with all the eclectic wisdom because they have seen life and have faced its tribulations.  But you must increase your defenses when this happens. How much it bothers you depends on how often it happens, how loud or intense things get, or whether parents argue in front of other people. Most of all it will bother you depending on how much you let it bother you.

Do you think it is your fault?

If your parents are arguing about you, this can be very upsetting. You may mistakenly think the argument is your own fault. But your parents' arguments are never your fault. Even if it is about you, they need to be mature enough to discuss it with you in a better manner. With all this extra emotional stress, you may get a stomach ache or want to go to your room and cry. It's understandable to feel this way when there's such a hard situation around you. You may lose your sleep and become uninterested n school or college. You need to do something about this!

Should you react? How?

Arguing parents are not setting a very good example for you. It's not ok to treat people in the family with disrespect, use degrading or insulting language, or yell and scream at them. But your parents may be doing it because they do not have self control. However you must not do the same with them because you need to be responsible even if they are not. Try talking to one or both of your parents about their behaviour. They may not even realize how upset you are until you tell them how their arguments affect you.

All families are happy only mine is not! L

If your see your parents arguing from time to time and you also see that they get alright eventually, you may begin to see a pattern: no family is perfect. Even in the happiest home, problems pop up and people argue about things.  It is best to talk about problems from time to time and not let the argument pop up one fine day and see it out of control.

Help them!

Being part of a family means everyone contributes to each other. Everyone should make life better for each other. If mom is upset and dad is stressed because of work, try to enliven the atmosphere at home. Suggest that you want to go for a family outing or picnic, a movie; tell dad you want to go for a coffee with him or tell mom that one day you want to help out in the kitchen. Sometimes parents act like children. These are the times you have to become an adult and handle their tantrums. After all they have handled so many of your tantrums when you were a child. Time for you to help them out here! With love, understanding, and some hard work, families can solve almost any problem.