Standing for yourself

Criticism

Beautiful as it seems, the moon too has its blemishes. The world has it’s brighter and sullen side; good and bad frequently co-exist. Love and admiration comes naturally to some while scorn and contempt to others. Many accept and regard others unconditionally, while several are callous with the emotions of another. In a world that that throws criticism habitually, one needs to build personal defenses to cope with character attacks. No-one is shielded from censure.

Self-regard

Where there is a tongue there is speech and gossip. Combatting it is the challenge. Feebleness has become a defense for self-conservation by those who don’t have courage in their conviction. It preserves the self but sacrifices respect. Vulnerability protects one from a hostile environment. There is transient suspension of rationality and self-regard and in that time window, wolves attack and overpower the barricades, allowing one to lose personal judgment and give in to the whims of others because there simply isn't any other path to yield.

• I am humiliated, but he’s my best friend; I don’t want to lose him!
• I am overweight they will always ridicule me, I shouldn’t fight back 
• I feel hurt with his behavior but he’s not going to change, he IS like that!
• This is how it is for me; people will not change how they think about me!

Learned helplessness

Helplessness is not genetically transmitted trait. It isn't something one is consciously taught either. Nonetheless learned helplessness is a self-prophesizing adverse phenomenon that occurs on account of one or two initial failures; which then get ingrained in the mind of the vulnerable individual and are presumed to recur without change. Negative events, moments of ridicule and embarrassment get internalized and one begins to expect them to happen repetitively. They lower the self-esteem; allow one to ‘expect’ to be ridiculed and invariably the embarrassment recurs. Thus weakness is ‘learned’ by conditioning, although it was never ‘taught’ as protocol.

Counteracting with aggression

The gullible soul chooses to fight back on occasion; like a simmering volcano that has disastrous impacts when it erupts. It’s usually of no purpose and disrupts relationships, friendships and interpersonal connects.

• If they keep mocking me,  I will teach them a lesson
• If he behaves that way I will divorce him in no time
• I will have him beaten up if he messes with me again
• I won’t meet my friends at their whim and convenience

It seems to expend frustration and teach the world a lesson; however it causes more damage than benefit. Assertiveness is the key to self-expression based on self-regard, self-respect and self-worth. If you believe in your own opinion, you will be able to communicate the need for others to believe in you too.

Be assertive: Put your best foot forward

Everything cannot go your way all of the time; but part of it might, at least some of the time. You need to be vocal about what you fee for that. Anger only bequeaths frustration. Realistic expectations and sensible reactivity is more rewarding. It allows you to believe in the best options and justify them to the rest of the world. Let them know how you feel and why you do so. Have your voice heard. Your view may not be accepted; however if you don’t speak up you lose that miniscule probability too.

‘I’ statements

'I' statements can be used to voice one's feelings and wishes from a very personal position without expressing a judgment about the other person or blaming of your feelings on them. The focus is on expression of one’s individual opinion on the issue.

• This is a good movie but ‘I’ feel like seeing the other one
• That restaurant is good but ‘I’ don’t like the food too much
• The outfit you’re wearing is pretty but ‘I’ feel it won’t suit me

When you use the ‘I’ statements you take responsibility for the difference in opinion without afflicting the person with judgmental remarks; while simultaneously you don’t end up being taken for granted.

It’s not too hard

Assertive people feel free to express their feelings, thoughts and their desires. They know their rights. Thus they also know when these may be infringed upon. They have control over their anger. It doesn't mean that they repress all the negative feelings. They rather control and talk about it in a reasoning manner. Once one views oneself as worthy of acceptance, and respects one’s own opinion, chances are high that others will do so too.