Strike! (Not your child; the balance)

Disciplining is all about your knack at striking that balance between autocracy and permissiveness with your child. Children need to get the right message so that they learn the right behaviors. Everyone needs to have these limits set for themselves so they find direction towards the goals they need to accomplish. The younger your child, lesser the self-understanding of boundaries, and more defined should be the limits that you set for them. You love your children (everyone usually does) and the virtues you instill in them come with some level of control and authority; levels of which you have to determine as per your own preferences. Boundaries provide security for a child whose exploratory disposition leads her to explore, but her inexperience may lead her astray. You are the guiding light who knows it all and can direct her.

They do wrong because they don't know

Children don't know that the hot flame can burn their hand, or falling from a height can break their bones or scribbles on the wall cannot be erased. Limits do not really restrict your child but rather protect their curious exploratory pursuits. Restrictions that you put on them must not seem like placing them in a confined jail; rather the focus should be on the freedom to function optimally within that confinement. You need to make their ‘usual’ environment so wonderful that they don't feel the need to break the limits that you’ve set for them. Lets say:

• She doesn't want to hold your hand as you cross the street
• You set a limit: street crossing is only while holding hands
• There is no option or no alternative to the rule at anytime
• Either the hand is held or there is no crossing the street
• And she can free her hand from you as soon as you cross
• And at other times she can enjoy ‘not holding your hand’

Set an example

You have to work very hard to achieve the balance between freedom and constraints for toddlers. It is not easy. You want them to learn about the environment and about themselves, but not at the expense of harming themselves or others. They need to learn that fire is hot but they don't have to burn themselves to know it. They must know the behaviors that get their parents upset but they don't have to be thrashed and spanked for it. They like having rules and knowing how to apply them. If you explain the rules to your children and tell them for instance that they have to speak them aloud, they can recite the rule to us just to hear it and see if it’s still applicable and do they have to follow it. When you see a red light while driving on the road remind your kids to remind you to stop. They learn from example and they like to see you follow the rules too.

Hidden messages

In a way, the world is absolutely made of ‘yess’ and ‘nos’. You live by these rules too. What you can wear at work and what not, how you speak and how not, things you say freely and those you cannot; you know the rules and you follow them.  Once you decide what behavior you cannot allow in your child and stick to that limit, they get this hidden message. It’s not very easy (not at your age either) but as they grow they will learn these rules and accept them. This will be different for each family and child at every stage of development. Limits introduce a new level of frustration, which every child must experience on the home front before they are hit with it in the real world outside the door. You don't want your toddler to break your crystal vases so you keep it at a height. You cover the trash, lock the doors, shut the windows, keep sharp objects away; you do all it takes to prevent your child from harm and explain the reasons for doing so too. Your children will learn if you teach them.

Limits for love

Some parents express ‘limitless’ love for their children through a ‘lack’ of disciplining. It's the worst way you can ‘hate’ your children: by not disciplining them and preparing for a messy future by making them irresponsible and ungrateful human beings.  Such parents fail to set limits because they feel they can't stand to see their baby frustrated. Healthy doses of frustration help children develop just the right amount of resistance to keep them going and helping them reach for their fullest potential. Be sure you model the healthy way to handle annoyance. Toddlers want someone to set limits. Without limits the world is too scary. They need that security that limits bring. When they test limits they’re asking you to show them how dependable you are and you will take charge of the situation. Don't let them down!