Set them right: (limits)

Your children need you more than you will ever be aware of. Inside that little monster who seems to ‘like’ troubling you and testing your patience after you’ve had a hard day at your workplace, is the angel who wants you to guide him, do things for him, teach him and help him because he cannot help himself enough.  Children need you to set things right for them all the time. Set their beds, their clothes, their schoolbags, homework, books as well as limits and goals and their life…

Guide them to their goal

A good mentor is the best thing that can happen to your child. And who other than yourself can guide your little one better? Your toddler’s investigating mind is always eager to reach out to newer targets (which in her case may just be the new crystal vase on the table!) But realistically your children want to do newer things, discover new toys, new objects, ask you fresh questions everyday (that sometimes get to you because you are fed up of answering them incessantly). But these are the positive signs you really want from your children. They are discovering the world and they want to learn more. You need to set greener targets for them so that they keep going.

Direction not ‘directions’

You like to give your child intimidating ‘directions’ (commands), while they need gentle ‘direction’ (guidance). They are always looking for things to reach out to, so instead of getting upset that they’re messing the symmetry of your living room or your life; give your young explorer word associations to help them sort what they may touch and what not. And add a whole bunch of things they may freely explore (like newer puzzles and jigsaw and board games for instance). You could create specific signals like:

"green signal" for safe things

"red signal" for objects off-limits

"yellow signal" for faces or pets

More innovative ones for dangerous things (e.g., stop sign, accident etc.). The more you guide them, the quicker they will learn.

Respect their wants

Your toddler has a jar of jellies, and you have apparitions that in no time there will be a mess to clean up. You thoughtlessly snatch the jar from her clutches, and within a millisecond you have set off a protest tantrum from her. You've saved yourself a mess and now you don't have to clean the floor, but now you have an emotional mess that you must care for. You have hurt her and she probably is not so sure why. You have to set the right limits for your little ones and for yourself. And you have to show the right direction so they know what’s right and what’s not.

Make the effort

It’s hard for people to set limits and goals for themselves too. When you want to lose weight and avoid those extra calories you’d love to gorge on, it takes effort, you occasionally fail and cross your limits. Another time, you fail to meet targets you had set for yourself at work. Your children don't even know what limits and goals mean. You need to teach them. And you have to be the smarter one (you ARE the smarter one!) This is what you need to do:

• Make good eye contact and show concern
• Divert attention elsewhere when feasible
• Open the jar and give her three jellybeans
• Make it clear how she should eat it nicely
• Remind her to ‘thank you’ for these jellies
• Tell her she can have 3 more the next day

What good communication expresses

• Politeness (from you)
• Respect for her desire
• Shows who is in charge
• Allows her to thank you
• Sets limits for 3 jellybeans
• Deletes chances of a tantrum

Children need adults to communicate and model the behaviors that adults expect from them. If you are smarter and you know more than your kids, you need to show them that. If you tantrum and screech just like them, there’s going to be no difference between the two of you.

Get into their shoes

Children do annoying things because they don't think like you. If you think they’re at your level of intellect and understanding, you are going to be let down. You are likely to have a miserable day if you let your children’s mess bother you. Think of it from their viewpoint  As you enter the house, you see your three-year-old splashing water all over the floor. And you sink into the clichéd mindset:

• “Oh, no! Now I have to clean up all this mess!”
• “Doesn't she realize I had a long hard day?”
• “Why does this happen every single day?”
• “Why does she like to do this to me?”

How about looking at her point of view?

• “This is fun. Now we don't have to shower we’re so clean!”
• “Next time we'll do this more in the shower and not here!”
• “Water is OK, it’s going to dry but you can help me clean it!”
• “We can’t do this with other things and we wont repeat it here!”

What she is doing is developmentally absolutely appropriate. She's exploring and wanting to play and she’s actually having a very good time. The way YOU react is most often not as appropriate as the way a 30 year old should be behaving. Also she was so engrossed in her activity, she is likely to throw a tantrum if you try to remove her from there. If you wait a few minutes, she'll go on to something else. She won't do this anymore when she's seven years old. If you think like this you'll find yourself tickled and you’ll be happy she wasn't upset and crying while you were at work, at least she was pleasantly enjoying herself! Getting out of yourself and into your child saves YOU the mental burden. You don't have to clean up the mess in your mind along with the water on the floor then. Your mind is already sorted and sparkling with love and acceptance of your child!