It's OK to disagree: Just do it with respect

Who ‘likes’ to be told that we are not doing the right thing?

Who enjoys being opposed in decisions we are capable of making?

Who wants to be ‘sermonized’ about what is appropriate and what’s not?

Surely nobody!

We are all extremely intelligent and well read today and we all have our own points of view. It becomes very difficult to accept those of another. This is one of the principal reasons why we see arguments in the parliament, corporate offices, bedrooms, colleges, schools and homes! Everyone wants to do their own thing; but it doesn't end there; everyone wants others also to do what they want to do themselves!

‘I’ want to see this movie so what if you want to see that one!’

‘I’ want to put the pink tiles in my bathroom not the boring beige ones!’

‘I’ think what I’m wearing is stylish, I don't care that you don't feel the same way!’

It my way or the highway!

How do we survive this?

How many different highways can there be if everyone has to choose his or her own? To what extent can we oppose people who matter? And how many people can we argue and disagree with? We cannot be upset with our parents all the time, we cannot keep breaking friendships because we cannot reach common decisions; and we cannot break relationships because we cannot touch common grounds with dignity right? We need opinions, we require suggestions and we seek guidance. Our parents, siblings, friends, teachers, partners, spouses; all are part of our social grid and we cannot survive without them. So how do we deal with the mixed feeling of asking them for their opinions yet feeling uncomfortable if theirs don't match ours?

Know why people disagree with you

People are bound to have their own viewpoints and belief systems. And they may have the best intentions when they share them with you. Most disagreements turn into arguments because you presume that ‘you’ are being condemned. Or the other person may believe that you are criticizing ‘them’. It would work great if both parties realized this and gently expressed their own choices instead of enforcing them on the other like an autocratic rule (that ended with the fall of Hitler and today we all have the freedom to do what we want!) Disagreement is simply an evidence of freedom of expression and the fact that different people think differently.

Don’t be judgmental

The basic element of interpersonal regard helps you to deal effectively with everyone around you. We respect some people for their age (parents and elders), we revere some people for their expertise (doctors or teachers), we admire some people because we love them (friends, siblings), we respect others simply because we are respectable and respect worthy people ourselves. When you accept people for who they are you do not judge them. You dislike their idea or comment, is not equivalent to you disliking ‘them’. When you don't judge them, there is nothing derogatory that can happen.

Don't react: Just breathe

The old tale of counting backward from 10 when you are upset is not worthless babble. Sometimes we just need a moment to see things differently. We often don't give ourselves that moment to see any other points of view than our own. When perspectives change, the world changes. When you wear red sunglasses the whole world ‘becomes’ red. Take that moment when someone says something you disagree with and wear their sunglasses to see it their way.

Perspective change = situation change

Build your EQ: Use ‘I’ statements

What goes wrong usually is the method of communication. Screaming, bossing, overpowering, sermonizing, lecturing, overshadowing; all are unacceptable methods.  Use ‘I’ statements. These don't change the intent but change the way you express your intent. 

Look at these:

That's a stupid movie I don't want to see it

vs.

If you say so, that must be a nice movie but ‘I’ don't think I will like to see it

Or consider this:

You are old fashioned I am not going to follow your dressing sense

vs.

You may feel that this dress doesn't look nice but ‘I’ really think it does

When you use ‘I’ statements you almost convince the person that the fault is not with them. You almost take the blame for believing differently though you are not really getting blamed. You simply are being assertive about what you feel without really hurting (or even intending to hurt) the other person. The outcome? The person accepts that you think differently and doesn't despise you or get angry with you because you have not challenged them or opposed them. You in fact have agreed they are right; it’s just that you think differently. No judgments, no adjectives, no harsh words.

Don’t

React fast

Get personal

Judge people

Take it to heart

Do

Relax

Be mature

Think patiently

Use ‘I’ statements